When it hurts the most…

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I know I’ve been absent.

There’s been stuff going on.
Do you know about stuff?
Hurtful stuff. Painful, betrayal, I-thought-you-were-my-friend-and-I-trusted you stuff.
That stuff.

And in the middle of the weeping, confusion, aching deep in my heart, there is still diapers to change, juice to pour, messes to clean, work to go to.
I want to curl up and cry all afternoon, but there are two little people here watching my every move.  And in the middle of all of this, I suddenly realized–they may not remember this particular incident.  They may never know what happened to me(though, due to the circumstances, I suspect they will someday need to know), but they will know, they will remember, how I responded to it.

Do I want them to remember that Mommy was angry and upset and held onto that hurt and wanted revenge?
Or do I want them to, somewhere deep down inside, know that even when we are hurt, even when we are betrayed and confused, we rise above it and move on?

You see, I have two tiny little children.  They won’t always be tiny; someday they will be big.  Someday they will be adults, and someone may hurt them.  Maybe a job won’t work out for no fault of their own.  Maybe a spouse will leave them for someone else.  Maybe a best friend will betray their every confidence.
And in that time, I want them to remember, however, vaguely, these days.  I want them to remember how Mommy reacted.  How Mommy chose to be the adult in a situation where a temper tantrum might have been easier.  I want them to know that they, too, will survive whatever life throws at them, and that they will carry through with grace and dignity and respect–even when it hurts.

And because this is what I want for them, this is what I have to model for them.
Right now.
In the midst of the pain.

I am raising children to become strong, caring adults that put others before themselves.
And so that is what I have to be.
No matter how hard it is. No matter what stuff is going on.
Because two little pairs of eyes are watching me, and what I do now, how I respond to the hurt now, is what they will do in the future.

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