Here are some random things I have learned in my vast seven months as the mother of two small children:
- Toys are the fastest breeding creatures in the world. Much faster than rabbits. You can box up twenty toys and take them out to the trash or to the second hand shop, and when you come back home, there will be forty new toys sitting in your living room.
- Playrooms are worthless. You will still step on matchbox cars littering your bedroom floor, you will still find crayons in the refrigerator, and you will still not have a clean living room. All you will have is another messy room in your house. If you’re lucky, the playroom will have a door that you can close.
- Your two-year-old will be perfectly happy, healthy, bouncing off the walls, and the moment you get him wrangled into a clean outfit and wash his face to go somewhere, he will immediately come down with the flu and start vomiting everywhere.
- If your first child slept through the night at six weeks and never once woke up after that, your second child will not sleep through the night until high school.
- The intensity of the temper tantrum is directly proportional to the length of your grocery list. The longer the grocery list, the louder the tantrum.
- The earlier you have to be at work in the morning, the more often your children will wake up during the night.
- No matter how sick you are, no matter how tired you are, no matter how recently you have had major surgery, you will not get a nap. Do not even consider it.
- It doesn’t matter that your toddler has insisted for the last three weeks that all he can possibly ever eat is peanut butter and jelly, the day that is all you have in the house for lunch he will decide he can only eat hot dogs.
- No matter how crazy they drive you, at the end of the day, they really are the cutest, most wonderful kids ever.